Six Reasons Cats Are Superior To Dogs

Where I live, I don’t seem to be able to walk down the street without tip-toeing around some dog dirt. Even worse are the never-ending streams of people walking dogs that should be muzzled and are, more often than not, named ‘Tyson’.

Truth be told, though, I’ve never really liked dogs. Cats are, frankly, the superior animal and here’s half a dozen reasons why:

1) Cats Can Take Themselves For Walks

Dogs seem incapable of taking themselves for a walk without getting lost or run over or something. Cats, on the other hand, are quite willing to exercise themselves without bothering their owners.

Score one for the felines.

2) A Bath Once A Month Whether You Need It Or Not

Like small children, dogs don’t like to be bathed. Unlike small children, however, dogs seem completely incapable of cleaning or washing themselves.

They are therefore often pretty smelly, grotty animals.

By contrast, cats seem to spend pretty much all day grooming and cleaning themselves. You don’t have to wash or bath cats.

Score two for the felines.

3) What The Hell Is All That Noise?

Anyone who has ever had dogs as pets will confirm that they bark at the slighest thing – the doorbell, someone walking into a room, someone walking out of a room, other dogs. In fact, dogs bark at pretty much everything all the time.

This, if you are used to cats, is intensely distracting and annoying.

Cats, by contrast, are comparatively quiet. Make that 3-0 to the cat.

4) Wherefore Art Thou…Master

If you leave a cat at home alone all day…you’ll come back to find it sleeping peacefully without a care in the world.

If you leave a dog at home alone all day…you’ll come back to find it has eaten your sofa, howled so much it’s hoarse and, for the final denouement, has defecated on your new carpet.

Do I need to say more?

5) Drooling On Me Is A Sign Of Affection, Right?

Dogs slobber a lot. They also drool a lot. Drooling on me may be a sign of affection as far as a dog is concerned, but to me, it’s just disgusting.

Score yet another to the cats.

6) Cats Keep You Alive Longer. Fact. Dogs Don’t.

OK, here’s the big one. Cats keep you alive longer.

Cat owners are “less likely to die of a heart attack and other cardiovascular diseases than people who have never had a pet cat”, according to a National Health and Nutrition Examination Study of over 4,500 people.

And before you dog lovers claim that dogs have the same effect, the study doesn’t support that conclusion. So there.

In the words of my eight year old niece. Cats rool. Dogs drool. And you can’t argue with that kind of logic, can you?

Can We Just Have Books With Different Covers

I guess I read 2-3 new books in an average week. That’s 150 or so per year.

I’m not very particular about what I read and make no particular attempt to follow particular authors as there is always something interesting out there to be read.

One thing that does annoy me, however, is publishers that use the same artist over and over again for particular author’s books. Often the cover art from one book is indistinguishable from another, making it almost impossible – for me at least – to be able to tell if I’ve read a book already or not.

And, no, I can’t always remember the titles – after all, I’ve probably read 150 books since that author’s last tome was released.

Arguing…I Keep Losing The Plot.

Here’s the truth. I am good at arguing. Politics, religion, sport, music…all of that stuff. I’m not saying I’m always right, but I can put together a cogent argument. You can agree or not…but I can hold my own.

There’s one exception. Arguing with my wife. I completely lose track of what my point is, I get sidetracked, I go back on myself, I go over and over the smallest point again and again, I end up shouting when being calm would work better. Essentially, when it comes to arguing with women, I am hopeless.

I expect there is a good psychological or physiological reason for this, but I’m damned if I know what it is.

I would be fascinated to know whether there is a genuine reason why my brain starts to shut down when I’m arguing with my wife. Anyone got any ideas?

Gazza Sectioned…It’s All Too Sad

For those who, like me, grew up watching Paul Gascoigne playing for Spurs and England, the latest news on Gazza is just too, too sad.

It appears that, following a disturbance at a Newcastle hotel, Gazza was both arrested and then sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

This is just the latest in a long line of problems Gascoigne has suffered since his retirement from football. He is clearly not a well man and needs proper professional support and help to recover. Let’s hope that – this time – he actually gets it.

On a brighter note, let’s take a look back at one of Gazza’s many moments of genius :

The Freekick Against Arsenal in the FA Cup Semi-Final 1991. Enjoy !

My Humps…Reinvented

While I’m recharging my batteries ready for the second part of ‘Why The Stones Are Better Than The Beatles’, I came across Alanis Morrisette covering that Black Eyed Peas monstrosity ‘My Humps’.

For all I know this has been doing the rounds on the web for weeks, but in case you haven’t seen it, here is La Morrisette’s fantastic reintrepretation of that appalling load of old tosh :

21 Reasons The Stones Were Better Than The Beatles : Part One

As the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce case draws to a close, it is almost inevitable that Sir Paul is frequently referred to as a musical genius and an integral part of The Beatles.

Half true…for sure. He was, of course, an integral part of The Beatles. Now, don’t get me wrong – I like The Beatles a lot. And I agree with those people that say “anyone who doesn’t like The Beatles is either deaf or lying”.

Nevertheless, The Beatles were – and are – overrated. Here is the first part of my 21 reasons why The Stones were better than The Beatles :

1) The Stones looked cooler

What’s this got to do with music? Everything. Keith and Mick were just cool – McCartney was a lovable, cheeky Scouser and Ringo was even worse.

2) The Wives and Girlfriends

The Beatles wives were partly responsible for their breakup. The Stones kinda shared and shared alike (Anita Pallenberg and all).

3) The Lyrics

The one thing that rarely gets mentioned about The Beatles is their lyrics. This is because, with only one or two exceptions, they are awful.

Here’s a few excerpts:

From Hello, Goodbye:

“You say goodbye and I say hello, hello, hello.
I don’t know why you say goodbye when I say hello, hello, hello.
I don’t why you say goodbye when I say hello.”

From Strawberry Fields Forever:

“No one I think is in my tree,
I mean it must be high or low.
That is you can’t you know tune in.
But it’s all right.
That is I think it’s not too bad. “

There’s much worse than this, of course, but you can find all the Beatles lyrics here – if you must.

By contrast, The Rolling Stones were pretty accomplished lyricists. Here’s a few excerpts:

From Salt of The Earth :

“Raise your glass to the hard working people
Let’s drink to the uncounted heads
Let’s think of the wavering millions
Who need leaders but get gamblers instead”

From I Can’t Get No Satisfaction :

“When I’m watchin’ my TV
And a man comes on to tell me
How white my shirts can be
But he can’t be a man ’cause he doesn’t smoke
The same cigarrettes as me”

Lots more great Stones lyrics can be found at this website.

4) The Drummer

Ringo Starr is an amiable, likeable scouser. Unfortunately, what he is not is a good drummer. In fact, he wasn’t even the best drummer in The Beatles.

I’ve heard all the revisionist nonsense about Ringo’s abilities over the last few years, but that’s all it is: nonsense.

By contrast, Charlie Watts is a fantastic drummer. His minimalist style in The Rolling Stones often hides his natural jazz style, but what he does in the Stones is always, always perfect.

5) The Novelty Songs

When you’re five or six years old, ‘Yellow Submarine’, ‘When I’m Sixty Four’, ‘Here Comes The Sun’ and the like are fantastic songs. In pretty much the same way as ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb’ is fantastic poetry.

The fact is, though, that The Beatles novelty songs are, frankly, embarrassing. They’re generally awful music hall pastiche with – in far too many cases – the tone deaf Ringo singing.

The Stones avoided this trap and thank God for that.

6) Self-Indulgent Rubbish

While The Stones are responsible for the execrable ‘Satanic Majesties Request’, there is nowhere near the level of self-indulgent rubbish as that churned out by The Beatles.

‘The White Album’, for example, is four good songs plus an hour of tiresome half-written rubbish, like ‘Why Don’t We Do It In The Road’.

Is this really the work of the best band in the world ever? Nope…it’s just rubbish from a bunch of self-indulgent millionaires.

7) Where Did They Hide The Good Albums

The Stones recorded ‘Beggars Banquet’, ‘Sticky Fingers’, ‘Exile on Main Street’, ‘Goats Head Soup’ in succession.

The Beatles made only one really consistent album – ‘Sargeant Peppers..’. The rest were pretty ropey (Let It Be, The White Album, Revolver…some good, some bad on all).

I hope you enjoyed this first part of a three part series. Part two is here.

How To Write A Da Vinci Code Style Bestseller – The Definitive Ten Step Guide

I went into town yesterday to buy some new books and it depressed me to find that the seemingly endless stream of Da Vinci Code style fiction has not yet come to a long, long overdue stop.

Who is buying all these books? And what’s more, why? They all follow exactly the same plot structure. So, to save anyone ever having to buy such a book again, I’ve put together my own DIY ‘Write A Da Vinci Code Style Bestseller Ten Step Guide’ (catchy, huh?)

1) There Is A Terrible Secret Hidden In A Classic Text :

This is your starting point. Choose a classic text or story, in which, inevitably, there lies a hidden code that will reveal a terrible secret/a truth long since hidden/the key to the universe (delete according to taste).

It is essential that everyone is at least aware of the classic text you use. Shakespeare, The Bible= good. The complete works of Will Self=not so good.

With me so far? OK, let’s keep going.

2) If Your University Is Understaffed, It’s Because They’ve All Died In Mysterious Accidents :

All your main characters will be university professors or super-talented graduates. Unfortunately, at least one of your university professors must die before page 45 of your novel.

This seems harsh, but it is essential to the plot. You must kill off the university professor who first discovers the clue to the hidden code in your classic text.

The professor should, of course, be killed off by dark and mysterious forces but NOT BEFORE he has had a chance to contact your hero (this will be the super-talented graduate).

It is this contact that draws your hero into a wicked web of intrigue and conspiracy…or something like that.

3) The Dark, Mysterious Forces Massing Against Your Hero :

No Da Vinci Code style novel is complete without some dark, mysterious forces whose intentions are to keep the truth buried for ever/twist it for their own evil ends.

Save yourself a lot of time and effort by making these mysterious forces an already well known secret society like The Templars, The Masons or even the Illuminati. That way you won’t have to trouble yourself with things like backstory, motivation or other similar irritations that other authors have to struggle with.

After all, you’re writing a best seller here so there’s no time to waste.

4) Add A Large Helping of Clumsy Literary References and Stir Well:

Instead of worrying about characterization (we’ll get to that), you can simply show that your characters are proper academics by having them quote great chunks of your classic text at each other. All academics do this all the time, apparently.

However, around half of your reading public won’t get these references. So you will be forced by your editor to explain each quote in turn. This will increase the clumsy literary reference quotient but will ensure your readers don’t feel stupid.

An example: If you have chosen Shakespeare as your classic text, you can have two main characters quote lines from Hamlet at each other. In a wry, amused manner, if you can manage it.

However, you must then have a minor character say something like “Isn’t that from Hamlet ? That bit where he sees his fathers ghost on the battlements of Elsinore. “

You get the idea.

5) It’s All In The Numbers :

The more convoluted and obscure you can make the clues that will ultimately reveal the secret that your hero is trying to discover, the better.

It doesn’t matter whether these clues make much sense – your hero will be able to solve them, because they are a super-talented graduate with a photographic memory.

Number codes that reveal obscure locations or dates are an absolute must. Similarly, if you don’t include a fragment of parchment that, when decoded, sends your hero off to Harvard or Cambridge to check the archive of some obscure academic, then you’re nowhere.

The ‘decoding the clues’ process should start right at the beginning of the book when the university professor who first uncovers the secret leaves your hero some kind of coded clue before his or her untimely, violent death.

Quite why the university professor didn’t just write a letter saying in plain English ‘I’ve discovered a terrible secret that will change the world’ should, of course, remain completely unexplained.

6) Keep Moving…There’s Nothing to See Here.

Your plot must move quickly and keep your characters going from one location to another so your readership doesn’t start thinking things like:

‘Hang on, isn’t it somewhat coincidental that everywhere the characters go, the dark, mysterious forces turn up at exactly the same time’.

You will, of course, be able to explain these coincidences by the use of the ‘surprise double agent’ device.

7) The ‘Surprise Double Agent’ Device

This is where, approximately three-quarters of the way through your novel, you reveal that one of the characters is actually a double agent for the other side.

This serves two essential purposes :

1) it explains why everywhere your hero goes, the dark and mysterious forces arrive simultaneously.

2) It allows you to fill in all those holes in the plot by having your ‘secret double agent’ explain what has been going on.

The main benefit, however, is that it saves you, the author, the effort of properly plotting your novel.

8 ) Locations, Locations, Locations

Remember, you need to appeal to a global, but mainly English-speaking, audience.

Thus, it is imperative you include at least 4 of these locations: Harvard University, Oxford University, Cambridge University, The Smithsonian Institute, Westminster Abbey, The Louvre.

If you can throw in some locations in other major English speaking markets (Sydney Opera House, for example) – all the better.

9) Cliches are cliches because they’re true, right?

Keep in mind that ‘global, mainly English-speaking audience’ I mentioned in point 8 and make at least one of your characters English and one American. This is essential to maximize your potential readership.

However, in depth characterization isn’t something you should spend too much time on. Be free with all the cliches you can think of. In many ways, your audience are expecting it and will embrace it.

Here are some examples you are free to use yourselves :

a) Your university professor should be bumbling, stumbling or mumbling…or better yet, all three. Always kindly and slightly distracted from reality, of course. But that’s how all academics actually are, right?

b) Your English characters should have names like Sir Henry Huffington and should always make a cup of tea before doing anything else.

c) Your American characters should be brash, have names like Chuck Wayne and should always choose action over thought. They should, of course, have the kind of familiarity with firearms that would impress a Green Beret.

10) The End Is The Beginning Is The End

You, may, of course end your novel in any way you choose. However, keep in mind that your hero has uncovered a secret that could potentially change the world.

This gives you two realistic options for the end of your novel :

a) The secret is somehow destroyed

b) Your hero comes to the conclusion that revealing this secret to the world will cause more harm than good and vows to keep it hidden.

So, there we have it, the ultimate guide to writing a Da Vinci Code style bestseller. Have fun.

A Saturday Supplement…Oh, C’mon

I stay in London once or twice a month – usually in Bloomsbury and usually over the weekend. But this is the first time I’ve ever come across this :

Notice the ‘One Night Sat Supplement’ of £10 there ? What the hell is this charge and what is it for.

The thing about hotel prices in London and most major cities is that they are reduced over the weekend in order to attract real visitors and not just expense account businessmen.

Put simply – hotel prices on the weekend are cheaper than the weekday. So, just why the hell do SuperBreak think they can charge a ‘supplement’ for staying on a weekend.

And it really is just them.

I usually book hotels through a company called DiscountCityHotels.net and they don’t gouge their customers by adding some random £10 charge for the privilege of staying on the least popular day of the week.

In fact, I’m very tired of travel and hotel sites with their disingenuous pricing and offers. SuperBreak are one of the worst for it as well. Despite the fact that London hotels charge by the room, not by the person, all the prices listed on SuperBreak are made to appear artificially low by showing a ‘per person’ price rather than the cost of the room.

And that’s without random ‘Saturday supplements’.

This is another reason why – despite the fact that their website is kinda mediocre in terms of design, Discount City Hotels are a refreshing alternative to most hotel booking sites. You see a price …that’s the actual price you will pay. Isn’t that how it is supposed to be?

Essentially, you can take your supplements and, um, shove ‘em.

Just What The Hell is Bluff Charging

OK, let’s get the obvious question out the way at the start of this blog’s life.

Just what is bluff charging ?

Well, according to this website, bluff charging is :

“An interaction between a bear and a human where a bear charges toward the human, but stops short of the human or veers away before making physical contact. The bear’s behaviour is intended to intimidate, but not necessarily harm.”

How this relates to the content of this blog remains to be seen. ‘Cos, to be honest, sometimes, I’m going to be charging but not bluffing. I just liked the idea that a bear could have such a clear understand of the human psyche to be able to achieve it’s goals without having to cause any real harm.