In the Sixties, inspired no doubt by industrial strength LSD, otherwise normal people started naming their children ridiculous things like ‘Sunbeam’ and ‘Starshine’.
Thankfully, time has moved on. Now, it seems, it’s only the most self-obsessed celebrities that give their offspring names you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. And here are 10 of the very worst.
10: Apple and Moses
Tiresome, self-satisfied musician Chris Thingy and tiresome, self-satisfied actress Gwyneth Paltrow clearly thought that Apple was an appropriate name of a girl.
They then went one worse by calling their second child after the father of the Israeli nation, Moses. What were they thinking?
9: Moon Unit
Frank Zappa’s eldest daughter was lumbered with the name Moon Unit. Of course, she followed in family tradition by calling her own daughter Mathilda Plum.
8: Jermajesty
Just to disprove the idea that Michael was the only ‘Wacko Jacko’ brother Jermaine called his son ‘Jermajesty’.
7: Kal-El
Elvis and Superman fanatic Nic Cage called his first born ‘Kal-El’, which apparently was Superman’s birth name. It seems Elvis Superman Presley Cage was too obvious.
6: Moxie Crimefighter
Magician Penn Jillette’s first child. This is a girl’s name, apparently.
5: Lark Song
The choice of ’60s throwbacks Mia Farrow and Andre Previn.
4:Fifi Trixibell
First of two entries for Paula Yates - Fifi is the daughter of that nice Sir Bob Geldof , who really should know better.
3: Princess Tiaamii
British glamour model Jordan and her ridiculous ex-pop star husband Peter Andre thought this was a great idea for a child’s name.
2: Sage Moonblood
Sylvester Stallone was obviously reading a lot of Conan books when he named his son this.
1: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily
Possibly the worst children’s name in the history of mankind. Proud parents : Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence.
It’s a danger well known to international brands, who have to be extremely careful so that their USA best selling cleaning product doesn’t translate as ‘dog dirt’ in Finnish or something.
However, movie makers are not so lucky and here are 10 of the worst translated movie titles :
1. Airplane : Translated into German as ‘The Unbelievable Trip In A Wacky Aeroplane’
2: Leon : How can anyone mistranslate this. It’s someone’s name. But the Chinese decided on ‘is Hit Man Is Not As Cold As He Thought’ instead.
3: Home Alone: This became ‘Mom, I Missed The Plane’ in France.
4: Lost In Translation : It was inevitable perhaps that this movie title has been mistranslated. The Portuguese called it ‘Meetings and Failures in Meetings’. Sounds fascinating. Sure to be a big hit.
5: You Only Live Twice: Personally, I think the Japanese translation : ‘007 Dies Twice’ sounds a more interesting prospect.
6: Jaws : The French went for ‘The Teeth from the Sea’ for this ’70s classic.
7: Cruel Intentions : Became ‘Sex Intentions’ in France.
8: The Horse Whisperer: Ended up as ‘Held by Wind in Montana’ over in Japan.
9: The Matrix : This has got to be my favourite. The French called this sci-fi extravaganza ‘The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses’, which is literal, if nothing else.
10: Pretty Woman : Can anyone confirm this one? Apparently, this was translated into ‘I Will Marry A Prostitute and Save Money’ in China.
I’m in my late thirties now and it has suddenly occurred to me just how strange my, and I presume your, parents were when I was younger.
I keep remembering all those weird lies they told me when I was a kid. So here’s a few of the best:
“If you swallow melon seeds, a melon will grow in your stomach” - Um, why did they tell me this. Did they have a deal with a local therapist? Who knows.
“If you swallow chewing gum, it will stick your insides together.” - This one used to terrify me.
[Said when I was pulling a strange expression] “If the wind changes, you’ll stay like that” - This didn’t even make sense at the time.
“If you sit too close to the television, you’ll go blind” - There were lots of other lies they told about things that would make me go blind, but this was the first.
“If you eat lots of carrots, you can see in the dark” - Um, not after sitting so close to the television, I can’t.
“If you’re bad, Santa Claus won’t bring you any presents” - This is actually true, right ?
“If you go out dressed like that, you’ll catch a cold” - The common cold is a virus. It has nothing to do with the weather.
There’s probably plenty more but those are the ones that have stayed with me all this time.
I was forced to watch yet another Jim Carrey movie with my wife yesterday and that got me to thinking about who are the least funny comedians in the world, um, ever. Carrey does, of course, feature quite highly.
So, in reverse order, I give you the top ten least funny comedians in the world.
10) Will Ferrell
Pulling stupid faces and SHOUTING VERY LOUDLY is not inherently funny. This seems to be the limit of Ferrell’s abilities. Hopeless and thankfully he’ll wear out his welcome very soon if he keeps putting out tripe like ‘Semi-Pro’.
9) Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay
This man is a moron. His audience consist of sub-normal rednecks to whom his reworked nursery rhymes are the equivalent of the complete works of Oscar Wilde.
Once again, shouting very loudly isn’t actually funny and his witless comments and use of swearing in place of actual humour place him on this list. The Day The Laughter Died? Too right.
If you have managed to avoid this idiot, here’s an example of his oeuvre. If you laugh, feel free to check yourself into the nearest institution :
Bernard Manning
Bernard Manning was, for a time, one of Britain’s most successful comedians. Until that is, someone noticed that he was a racist, sexist, homophobe and that all his material revolved around these things.
Manning was soon relegated to his own club just outside of Manchester and good riddance too.
7) Jim Davidson
Somehow this guy managed to sustain an extremely successful 25 year in the UK, making misogynistic jokes about women and racist jokes about ‘chalky’ (I kid you not).
Luckily, this deeply unpleasant individual has fallen from favour and now is mainly seen as a TV talking head moaning about ‘political correctness’. He isn’t and wasn’t ever funny and here’s a YouTube video to prove it:
6) Cannon and Ball
In the UK, Cannon and Ball were hugely successful in the ’80s - prime time television, millions of viewers. The only thing that was missing was any discernable comedic talent whatsoever.
Apparently, they used to be welders, which is somehow appropriate, because their ‘comedy’ was like being hit over the head with a steel pipe. ‘Rock On, Tommy’, indeed.
5) David Baddiel
David Baddiel must be the luckiest man in comedy. He seems a smart, engaging and likeable chap, which could explain why he has managed to work with some of alternative comedy’s brightest and best (The Mary Whitehouse Experience, Rob Newman and Frank Skinner).
The only problem is that Baddiel just isn’t funny. Think of him as the Ringo Starr of the comedy world. A man who was in the right place at the right time.
4) Rowan Atkinson
Atkinson is famous worldwide for Mr Bean and in Britain for Blackadder.
Blackadder appealed to teenagers, mainly because it consisted of only two jokes, so they could repeat them back to each other at school. The show mainly consisted of Atkinson and his alternative comedy friends messing around like a bunch of self-indulgent kids. It was awful.
Mr Bean, likewise, is lowest common denominator stuff. If you find slipping on bananas skins funny, then it’s probably the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. Otherwise, you’ll see that Rowan Atkinson is a one-trick pony and not remotely amusing.
3) Lee Evans
Falling over like a second-rate Michael Crawford (back when he was a comic actor in Some Mother’s Do ‘Ave ‘Em) and a third-rate Norman Wisdom and sweating A LOT just isn’t funny. What more need be said.
2) Andy Kaufman
Being deliberately unfunny is not, at any point, actually funny. Getting other people to perform as you is not funny either. Behaving like a spoilt brat - whether part of an act or not - nope, still not funny.
Andy Kaufman was not funny. The end.
1) Jim Carrey
Gurning like a loon, saying ‘alrighty now’ and overacting like it is going out of fashion does not a good comedian make.
The scale of Carrey’s success makes me want to weep. He has been doing the same schtick over and over again for years and each time, it’s just a bit more desperate and humourless.
There are a lot of bad comedians who didn’t make this list (Tom Green, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown and others…we salute you), but I’ll end this post on an upnote with a couple of clips of what I consider real comedy genius.
Bernard Manning 