You Named Me What?

In the Sixties, inspired no doubt by industrial strength LSD, otherwise normal people started naming their children ridiculous things like ‘Sunbeam’ and ‘Starshine’.

Thankfully, time has moved on. Now, it seems, it’s only the most self-obsessed celebrities that give their offspring names you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. And here are 10 of the very worst.

10: Apple and Moses

Tiresome, self-satisfied musician Chris Thingy and tiresome, self-satisfied actress Gwyneth Paltrow clearly thought that Apple was an appropriate name of a girl.

They then went one worse by calling their second child after the father of the Israeli nation, Moses. What were they thinking?

9: Moon Unit

Frank Zappa’s eldest daughter was lumbered with the name Moon Unit. Of course, she followed in family tradition by calling her own daughter Mathilda Plum.

8: Jermajesty

Just to disprove the idea that Michael was the only ‘Wacko Jacko’ brother Jermaine called his son ‘Jermajesty’.

7: Kal-El

Elvis and Superman fanatic Nic Cage called his first born ‘Kal-El’, which apparently was Superman’s birth name. It seems Elvis Superman Presley Cage was too obvious.

6: Moxie Crimefighter

Magician Penn Jillette’s first child. This is a girl’s name, apparently.

5: Lark Song

The choice of ’60s throwbacks Mia Farrow and Andre Previn.

4: Fifi Trixibell

First of two entries for Paula Yates - Fifi is the daughter of that nice Sir Bob Geldof , who really should know better.

3: Princess Tiaamii

British glamour model Jordan and her ridiculous ex-pop star husband Peter Andre thought this was a great idea for a child’s name.

2: Sage Moonblood

Sylvester Stallone was obviously reading a lot of Conan books when he named his son this.

1: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

Possibly the worst children’s name in the history of mankind. Proud parents : Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence.

Lies Your Parents Told You

I’m in my late thirties now and it has suddenly occurred to me just how strange my, and I presume your, parents were when I was younger.

I keep remembering all those weird lies they told me when I was a kid. So here’s a few of the best:

“If you swallow melon seeds, a melon will grow in your stomach” - Um, why did they tell me this. Did they have a deal with a local therapist? Who knows.

“If you swallow chewing gum, it will stick your insides together.” - This one used to terrify me.

[Said when I was pulling a strange expression] “If the wind changes, you’ll stay like that” - This didn’t even make sense at the time.

“If you sit too close to the television, you’ll go blind” - There were lots of other lies they told about things that would make me go blind, but this was the first.

“If you eat lots of carrots, you can see in the dark” - Um, not after sitting so close to the television, I can’t.

“If you’re bad, Santa Claus won’t bring you any presents” - This is actually true, right ?

“If you go out dressed like that, you’ll catch a cold” - The common cold is a virus. It has nothing to do with the weather.

There’s probably plenty more but those are the ones that have stayed with me all this time.

Arguing…I Keep Losing The Plot.

Here’s the truth. I am good at arguing. Politics, religion, sport, music…all of that stuff. I’m not saying I’m always right, but I can put together a cogent argument. You can agree or not…but I can hold my own.

There’s one exception. Arguing with my wife. I completely lose track of what my point is, I get sidetracked, I go back on myself, I go over and over the smallest point again and again, I end up shouting when being calm would work better. Essentially, when it comes to arguing with women, I am hopeless.

I expect there is a good psychological or physiological reason for this, but I’m damned if I know what it is.

I would be fascinated to know whether there is a genuine reason why my brain starts to shut down when I’m arguing with my wife. Anyone got any ideas?