Cremation Urn In The Shape of A Football

Class. You can’t buy it,  you know. But what you can buy for the Arsenal or Man Utd fan in your family ( you know the type…never been to Manchester or North London in their life) is a cremation urn in the shape of a football.

I know, I know. You’re probably wondering why no one has thought of it before. But luckily a funeral company in Vienna has finally done it.

A snip at £281.00 each.

‘I Was Forced To Caddy For Tiger Woods Wearing A Ball and Chain’

The world is stranger than we think. Don’t believe me? Then I’m proud to introduce you to Jonathan Lee Riches.

Mr Riches is a convicted fraudster, who since his incarceration in 2004 has issued more than 300 legal actions from his jail cell, mainly against well-known sports stars.

Here are the highlights so far:

Jonathan Lee Richens vs The US Masters

Richens filed a suite against the US Masters golf tournament for forcing the plaintiff to caddy for Tiger Woods while wearing a ball and chain and allowing Mexicans to enter the United States via the 14th hole.

Damages Sought: Suspension of US Masters tournament

vs The Williams Sisters

Charge: Having a ‘beef’ with the plaintiff since the Nixon ear and stealing several Van Gogh paintings.

Damages Sought: Exclusion of the Williams Sisters from all future tennis tournaments.

vs Mike Tyson

Charges: Playing Culture Club’s ‘Do You Want To Hurt Me’ on a nightclub jukebox, kicking the plaintiff when he refused to dance with Mr Tyson.

Damages Sought: $4,000,000 plus medical costs.

vs Tiger Woods

Charges: Stealing luggage, treason, not answering the plaintiff’s telephone calls among others.

Damages Sought: $213,529,000,000,000

vs David Beckham

Charges: Using footballs that are really satellite guided missles, dropping balls on the plaintiff from Empire State Building, receiving funds from Iraq and giving them to Buckingham Palace.

Damages Sought: £3,000,000 in UK pounds plus Beckham to wear plaintiff’s name on his shirt for all matches.

vs Barry Bonds

Charges: Bonds bench-pressed the plaintiff against his will plus illegally produced moonshine.

Damages Sought: $42,000,000,000 in Swiss Francs.

vs LeBron James

Charges: Putting bubblegum on the plaintiff’s bicycle and breaking into the Watergate hotel during the Nixon era.

Damages Sought: $83,000,000 to be donated to good causes.

vs Floyd Landis

Charges: Cycling with E.T in his basket and plotting to ride into South Fork dam using a missle-shaped bike.

Damages Sought: Surrender of the missle shaped bicycle.

vs Jeff Gordon

Charges: Dropping tic tacs on racetracks via a secret trapdoor in his car and stealing the talking car ‘Kit’ from Knight Rider.

Damages Sought: £22,000,000 plus the defendant’s Nascar car.